Wedding

As many of you know, I will be getting married soon. in that spirit, here is an except to one of the best articles about weddings ever. I hope there is alot of action at my wedding. btw, i wish i knew bill simmons in real life. Every day he writes a column, my day is much better

Q: What types of non-sporting events do you bet on? We recently attended a wedding in Atlantic City, and had the following lines in play:
1. Number of bridesmaids: +/- 6
2. Number of ice sculptures: +/- 3
3. Length of church service: +/- 45 minutes
4. Time when first drunk guest makes a fool out of themselves: +/- 9.30 p.m.Any ideas for other events? -- Mike K., Philadelphia

SG: You came to the right place. I've attended so many weddings over the past 10 years, they've all merged together into some sort of drunken haze. And let's face it: Every wedding is pretty much the same. By the time you hit your late-'20s, you could care less about who's getting married; you only want a fast ceremony, an open bar, and a cool balcony or deck outside where everyone can smoke butts.So sprucing the festivities up with gambling. ... I mean, that's inspired genius. Let's assume that we're working with a 5 p.m. wedding ceremony, just for the sake of accuracy. Here are some other things you could gamble on:

1. Quality of the best man's toast vs. quality of the cake (even odds): This one could be especially fun if you wagered heavily on the best man, then he choked in his speech, and you wanted to kill him afterward. And yes, few things in life are more enjoyable than someone screwing up a best man's speech. I can't believe somebody hasn't turned "Worst Best Man Speeches" into its own TV show yet.If your best man looks anything like Stifler, he's a sure bet to screw up the toast.

2. Girl who catches the bouquet hooks up with the guy who catches the garter (10-1 odds): I've only been to one wedding where this ever happened, so the 10-1 odds seem generous here.

3. Groom's horny friend starts grinding on the dance floor with somebody's attractive cousin who isn't 21 yet (even odds): And somebody's mother is always horrified. You can usually see this one coming. As an aside, I was delighted when this exact scenario happened at my wedding. It was a dream come true.

4. Band plays "I Will Survive" (+/- 8:45pm): I hate this song. There's always that one girl on the dance floor who just broke up with someone and gets a little too into the lyrics. Calm down, honey.

5. Token slutty bridesmaid goes after a waiter, band member, or any friend of the groom attending the wedding without his girlfriend (wager $400 to win $100): Easy money. When you mix the emotions of "I'm sad because my friend's getting married and I'm still single" with "I'm horny and drunk" and "Everyone looks good because we're all dressed up," just about anything's possible. They probably can't make these odds high enough.

6. Groom cries or faints during the wedding ceremony (3-1 odds): And here's the worst thing: You can't really make fun of them afterward. It was too big of a moment. So you might as well wager on it.Just wait until these guys take off their jackets and start dancing.

7. Puking or fisticuffs during the reception (10-1 odds): Although these odds drop to 3-1 in the general Boston area.

8. The Mother-Groom dance is "You Look Wonderful Tonight" (20-1 odds): We needed a long-shot wager on here. Imagine the excitement if you had 20-1 on Clapton and those first few seconds of the song started playing.

9. Fat guys dancing without their jackets and sweatstains under their arms (+/- 2.5): Another great part about weddings. Huge, sweeping sweatstains are always funny.

10. The token "couple who's been dating for three years and either need to get engaged or break up" have a huge blowout during the wedding reception (even odds): Not good times. Uh-oh ... I'm having flashbacks ...And the ultimate long-shot bet...

11. Wedding called off at last minute (50-1 odds): It's dark, it's evil ... but a $10 bet wins you $500. More than enough to pay for your tux.

Reality, Poker and Ted Lawson

I think i am starting to finally get reality television. I used to think that the purpose behind reality tv was to showcase people who would never be on television otherwise and try to capture the subtle nuances of everyday life in almost a seinfeld kinda way.

Now, I am starting to see that reality tv is an aspirational medium. Viewers do not want Real reality. But rather, they want all of their wildest fantasies to be fulfilled through the "real" characters. And since these characters are not actors (at least until the series is over), they now become the viewers. People at home want to have a maxxed out pad in Hawaii and party every night and jump naked into the pool when they first meet their roommates.

I think this also explains why reality stars stink as actor. Other than most of them have no discernible talent other than look, viewer no longer think that they can be these people. As reality stars get more popular, they become less real in the view of their fans. if you don't believe me watch road rules Kit on Cold Pizza.This that could me me phenomena also explains the runaway success of poker. Laypeople at home think that if they get lucky, they could stare down Phil Hellmuth or the Devilfish if given the opportunity. T

hese tournaments also inevitably have an underdog or two at the final table. (not surprising since in most 10k+ buyin events, 75% of the field is someone you never heard of.) Poker is successful because of the entire that could be phenomena. Surprisingly, in ESPN's WSOP coverage the final tournament of champions got disappointed rating, even though it had tremendous values and was rather entertaining. Poker diehards like myself watched, but Joe Bob Buchanan in Mizzoula, MT probably wasn't interested. Poker telecasts are never about who wins, but the stories behind the players. Why do you think ESPN had that goddamned "The NUTS" segment.

WSOP of poker's popularity is because of the Ted Lawsons and Gerry Drehobels, not the Doyle Brunsons and Chip Reeses. If you watched the BAY101 event from this year, people were cheering against Chris Moneymaker, the people's champ of the year ago. I guess the same guy winning several times just isn't good TV. one last thought... though it was implied in this rant but not blatently stated let me clear my conscience.

I, Mark Johnson, believe Ted Lawson is the worst player ever to win a WSOP bracelet. thank you, i feel much better now

Some Sunday sports thoughts

• I am as big a NASCAR fan as the next guy. In fact, probably significantly more so than the average person. BUT i just don't get restrictor plate racing. Basically, as long as you keep you car on the track you will be on the lead lap at the end and have a chance to win. So all the first 160 laps is about is trying to avoid a wreck.
• David Akers is not on my Christmas card list. Today, Philadelphia did everything they could not to cover the spread and i ended up with a push (and was lucky) Akers missed 2 short FGs in garbage time and the Eagles let the Bears drive the field in Garbage time.
• Emmitt Smith is too legit to quit. 100 yards rushing and a TD pass against the Saints.
• Quick-- Other than David Carr, name 4 players on the Houston Texans.
• Around 1:30 today, footbal, golf, NASCAR and baseball was on television, yet somehow I felt compelled to watch scrabble. They even had odds to win the game based on certain moves.
• I would pay $25 to watch Phil Helmuth play Mike Matasow headsup in Scrabble.
• My fantasy football QB situation is getting downright ugly. On a team with Michael Vick and Aaron Brooks, I have yet to figure out who to play. I dont even know if i made the right play today since they are both having mediocre at best days.
• Quenten Griffin is prove that not everyone can pile up huge rushing numbers behind Denver's D-line.

Wedding

As many of you know, I will be getting married soon. in that spirit, here is an except to one of the best articles about weddings ever. I hope there is alot of action at my wedding. btw, i wish i knew bill simmons in real life. Every day he writes a column, my day is much better

Q: What types of non-sporting events do you bet on? We recently attended a wedding in Atlantic City, and had the following lines in play:

1. Number of bridesmaids: +/- 6

2. Number of ice sculptures: +/- 3

3. Length of church service: +/- 45 minutes

4. Time when first drunk guest makes a fool out of themselves: +/- 9.30 p.m.

Any ideas for other events? -- Mike K., Philadelphia

SG: You came to the right place. I've attended so many weddings over the past 10 years, they've all merged together into some sort of drunken haze. And let's face it: Every wedding is pretty much the same. By the time you hit your late-'20s, you could care less about who's getting married; you only want a fast ceremony, an open bar, and a cool balcony or deck outside where everyone can smoke butts.So sprucing the festivities up with gambling. ... I mean, that's inspired genius. Let's assume that we're working with a 5 p.m. wedding ceremony, just for the sake of accuracy. Here are some other things you could gamble on:

1. Quality of the best man's toast vs. quality of the cake (even odds): This one could be especially fun if you wagered heavily on the best man, then he choked in his speech, and you wanted to kill him afterward. And yes, few things in life are more enjoyable than someone screwing up a best man's speech. I can't believe somebody hasn't turned "Worst Best Man Speeches" into its own TV show yet.If your best man looks anything like Stifler, he's a sure bet to screw up the toast.

2. Girl who catches the bouquet hooks up with the guy who catches the garter (10-1 odds): I've only been to one wedding where this ever happened, so the 10-1 odds seem generous here.

3. Groom's horny friend starts grinding on the dance floor with somebody's attractive cousin who isn't 21 yet (even odds): And somebody's mother is always horrified. You can usually see this one coming. As an aside, I was delighted when this exact scenario happened at my wedding. It was a dream come true.

4. Band plays "I Will Survive" (+/- 8:45pm): I hate this song. There's always that one girl on the dance floor who just broke up with someone and gets a little too into the lyrics. Calm down, honey.

5. Token slutty bridesmaid goes after a waiter, band member, or any friend of the groom attending the wedding without his girlfriend (wager $400 to win $100): Easy money. When you mix the emotions of "I'm sad because my friend's getting married and I'm still single" with "I'm horny and drunk" and "Everyone looks good because we're all dressed up," just about anything's possible. They probably can't make these odds high enough.

6. Groom cries or faints during the wedding ceremony (3-1 odds): And here's the worst thing: You can't really make fun of them afterward. It was too big of a moment. So you might as well wager on it.Just wait until these guys take off their jackets and start dancing.

7. Puking or fisticuffs during the reception (10-1 odds): Although these odds drop to 3-1 in the general Boston area.

8. The Mother-Groom dance is "You Look Wonderful Tonight" (20-1 odds): We needed a long-shot wager on here. Imagine the excitement if you had 20-1 on Clapton and those first few seconds of the song started playing.

9. Fat guys dancing without their jackets and sweatstains under their arms (+/- 2.5): Another great part about weddings. Huge, sweeping sweatstains are always funny.

10. The token "couple who's been dating for three years and either need to get engaged or break up" have a huge blowout during the wedding reception (even odds): Not good times. Uh-oh ... I'm having flashbacks ...And the ultimate long-shot bet...

11. Wedding called off at last minute (50-1 odds): It's dark, it's evil ... but a $10 bet wins you $500. More than enough to pay for your tux.